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|GEORGE AND TONY AND DICK AND DON - A 21st CENTURY MORALITY PLAY|
|by Phil Shoenfelt, 2002|
George â€“ president of the most powerful nation on earth
Tony â€“ prime minister of an ex-imperial power
Dick â€“ Georgeâ€™s second-in-command
Don â€“ Georgeâ€™s defence minister
Connie â€“ Georgeâ€™s female admirer
Henry â€“ a former statesman and war criminal
Crispin Vain â€“ Tonyâ€™s spin doctor
Saddam â€“ the Devil
Special guest appearance:
Osama bin Laden â€“ the ghost of Christmas past
The scene: Camp David, the Laurel Lodge. Out of the window George and Tony can be seen stepping out of a golf cart and chatting together as they walk across a well-tended lawn. George has his arm draped lazily over Tonyâ€™s shoulder. The door to the room opens and they enterâ€¦
George: Yeah, so like I was saying, we sent Powell off to the Johannesburg summit â€“ the poor bastard woulda got lynched down in Crawford anyhow. If thereâ€™s one thing worse than a whining liberal, itâ€™s a whining nigger liberal, anâ€™ he was gettinâ€™ on everyoneâ€™s nerves with his bullshit about U.N. inspections anâ€™ regional repercussionsâ€¦
Tony (giggling a little nervously and smiling boyishly): Yes, Yes, I know what you mean. Weâ€™ve been having rather a lot of whingeing ourselves lately. Up in Bradfordâ€¦ you know, in the north of Englandâ€¦ the race riots last yearâ€¦ Those muslim boys can be so naughty! But the Home Secretaryâ€™s got the matter in hand now.
Don: In my book, the only good muslimâ€™s a dead muslimâ€¦
George: Tony â€“ Don. Don â€“ Tony.
Dick: So Tony â€“ are you with us or against us? Youâ€™re either a part of the solution or a part of the problemâ€¦ What dâ€™ya think of Ashcroftâ€™s Patriot Act?
George: Dick, Dick, let the guy sit down anâ€™ catch his breath at leastâ€¦ (Aside): Shut up, you asshole, heâ€™s the only ally weâ€™ve gotâ€¦ (To Tony): Of course youâ€™re with us, arenâ€™t you Tony?
Tony: Well, er, as I told my constituents last week, itâ€™s really not on to let you chaps fight global terrorism alone now, is it?
Don: Thatâ€™s right, Tony, you tell â€™emâ€¦
George: Yâ€™know, Tony, I have a dream. Iâ€™m gonna make the world a safer place, a place where American values are loved and respected by everyone everywhere. I feel like itâ€™s my mission in life, my God-appointed mission, to be honest. Afghanistanâ€™ll be as safe as Kansas in a coupla years, anâ€™ once we get rid of Saddam anâ€™ his W.M.D.s (The lights darken and there is a whiff of sulphur, brimstone and mustard gas) Iraq is gonna be like East Texas â€“ rigs anâ€™ donkeys everywhere, with American technology anâ€™ American know-how developinâ€™ the regionâ€™s resources for the benefit of the whole worldâ€¦(The lights come up again).
Dick and Don (together, drooling): Did someone mention oil? (they burst into song and do a soft shoe shuffle routine):
Middle East oil makes the world go around
George: Shucks, those guys. Doncha just love â€™em?
Tony: Mmm, they are rather cuteâ€¦ But listen, shouldnâ€™t we be discussing the reasons why invading Iraq is a moral imperative and is absolutely essential if Christian values are to prevail? Thatâ€™s not to say Iâ€™m against Islam and Iâ€™m sure all moderate muslims would agree that the Koran never mentions suicide bombers, biological weapons or even the stoning to death of adulterous women. Cherri and I read it together on our hols in Italy last summer, and we both agreed that itâ€™s a rather splendid bookâ€¦
Dick (whipping out a 357 Magnum): Holy shit, we gotta mole in our midst! Get outta the fuckinâ€™ way, George, let me get a clear shot at the bastard!
George: Easy, Dick, easy â€“ just relax now anâ€™ put the gun away. (To Tony): Sorry about that, Tone, Dickâ€™s bin under a lotta stress lately with all these accounting fraud allegations anâ€™ heâ€™s a little nervy right nowâ€¦
Tony (cringing): Oh, thatâ€™s alright, I understand. The last thing I want to do is upset you or the government of your great and powerful nationâ€¦
Connie (aside): Jeez, what a wimp!
George: Anyhow, like I was sayinâ€™, I gotta dream. I also got an idea for a doctrine. I mean, Monroe had a doctrine, Harry Truman had one, even fuckinâ€™ Reagan had an â€śismâ€ťâ€¦ If I can take out Saddam anâ€™ get me a doctrine at the same time, Iâ€™ll be the Bush thatâ€™ll go down in the history books. Hell, Daddy never had a doctrine named after him, anâ€™ everybody knows he fucked up when he coulda whipped Saddamâ€™s ass anâ€™ wiped Baghdad off the map. If I can get me a doctrine, no-oneâ€™ll ever call me â€śJuniorâ€ť againâ€¦
Connie (aside): Oh, for Chrissakeâ€¦
George: Iâ€™m a patient man, but in this case I see the need for a pre-emptive strike. Anâ€™ when I say pre-emptive strike I mean pre-emptive, anâ€™ not just one but a whole mess of â€™em. Not just in Iraq, either, but anywhere in the world that doesnâ€™t agree with American Values anâ€™ the American Way. After Iraqâ€™s sorted out we can step sideways into Iran anâ€™ make the whole region secure for the oil pipelines from Central Asiaâ€¦
Dick and Don (singing together, drooling):
Middle East oil makes the world go around
George: â€¦anâ€™ make sure that the Ruskies donâ€™t step in anâ€™ undercut our prices. And the Saudi regime is looking a little shaky too, we might have to set up a Protectorate there before the Fundamentalists take over anâ€™ rip up the OPEC price agreements. By that time Arafatâ€™ll be outta the picture anâ€™ we can lean on the Palestinians to accept a super-deluxe unified refugee camp in a corner of the Strip the kikes ainâ€™t interested in â€“ kinda like a huge Miami condo, only with fifty foot high walls around it for the sand-niggersâ€™ own protection â€“ anâ€™ once thatâ€™s all sorted out we can begin to focus on Europe anâ€™ Japan. This big deal theyâ€™re makinâ€™ over steel fâ€™rinstance â€“ they wanna fuckinâ€™ trade war, or what? Anâ€™ that asshole Schroeder refusinâ€™ to join the allianceâ€¦
Tony: Er, what alliance?
George: â€¦ thatâ€™s all the fuckinâ€™ thanks we get for the goddamn Marshall Planâ€¦ Anyhow, I decided to call my doctrine â€śPredemptionâ€ť â€“ The Bush Doctrine of Pre-emptive Strikes, plus a little bit of redemption afterwards for the feel-good factor. Kinda catchy dontcha think, Tone? I stole the idea from Sharon, but I thought of the name myselfâ€¦
Tony: Oh yes, I think itâ€™s a wonderful name for a doctrine, I really doâ€¦
Connie (aside): Jesus, what an asshole!
Tony: But the thing is, I feel compelled to raise the matter of Saddamâ€™s weapons of mass destruction. That is to say, Iâ€™m sure he has them â€“ well, who doesnâ€™t? â€“ but does he have the means to deliver them? You see, Iâ€™ve got to present this dossier of secret information to the Labour Party sooner or later, or theyâ€™ll be up in arms. Theyâ€™re already getting itsy, and according to the U.N. inspectors and our own chaps Saddamâ€™s missiles have a maximum range of only 800 kilometres â€“ thatâ€™s if they even make it out of the silosâ€¦
Don: What the hell does that matter? He has them, doesnâ€™t he, and thatâ€™s good enough for me.
Connie: Youâ€™re not backing out are you Tony?
Tony: Er, of course not â€“ Her Majestyâ€™s Government is the United Statesâ€™ staunchest allyâ€¦
George: Youâ€™re our only ally, Tonyâ€¦
Dick: We got us a Special Relationship, hur hur hur
(A rumbling from below. The lights flicker. A whiff of sulphur, brimstone and mustard gas. Thunder and lightning. A trapdoor opens. Saddam appears, bare-chested with a huge moustache, biting the heads off new-born babies and throwing the carcasses to the floor.)
Saddam: Let the devils come from the four corners of the earth. My people love me, I will never be defeatedâ€¦
(George, Don, Dick and Connie chase Saddam around the room, while Tony and Crispin stare on aghast. Saddam manages to evade them and disappears through the trapdoor. The lights come up again.)
George: You see the kinda guy weâ€™re dealinâ€™ with, Tone? He always was excessive, even when he was workinâ€™ for the Companyâ€¦
Connie: He used chemical weapons on his own peopleâ€¦
Don: He drinks human blood for breakfastâ€¦
Dick: He wasted all that oil in Kuwaitâ€¦
George: â€¦which is why we canâ€™t let him get away with thumbing his nose at us any longer. Listen, I just had a great idea. Weâ€™ll slip the U.N. a poison chalice, give Saddam a time frame to comply with a new Security Council Resolution, or elseâ€¦ Then when he ignores it, or refuses admission to the sites, we can kill two birds with one stone â€“ sideline the U.N., invade Iraq, anâ€™ still come outta the deal lookinâ€™ like honest citizens. Iâ€™ve bin waiting for a chance to get Annan over a barrel for a long time nowâ€¦
Crispin: Well, thatâ€™s one way of getting around the problem. I think we could sell this idea to the party without too much trouble, Tony.
Tony: Mmm â€“ it certainly seems much more moral this wayâ€¦
Connie: Morality, schmoralityâ€¦
George: Thataboy, Tony, I knew youâ€™d see it our wayâ€¦
(Osama bin Laden appears in one corner of the room, bound in chains and with one arm missing. He levitates and glides around the room like a wraith.)
Osama: You will never escape the terror we have unleashed. We are everywhere and nowhere. We will haunt your dreams and poison your drinking water. Our operatives are amongst you, waitingâ€¦ Long live the Jihad! Death to the crusaders! (He melts into the air).
Dick: What the fuck was that?!
George: Donâ€™t worry about him â€“ the guyâ€™s a has-been. Tomorrow belongs to meâ€¦
Tony: And if I might, finally, just raise a few minor issues to round off the meeting â€“ like ecology and global warming, G.M. foods, third world povertyâ€¦ not to mention A.I.D.S., sanitation, bio-diversity, genetic engineeringâ€¦
George: Tony, Tony â€“ donâ€™t worry, leave it all to usâ€¦
Dick: Listen, Tone â€“ by the time Australiaâ€™s under water weâ€™ll all be dead anâ€™ gone. The thing is, strike while the ironâ€™s hot â€“ we all gotta make a dollarâ€¦
George: â€¦and another fundamental tenet of The Bush Doctrine of Predemption is that history has already been written â€“ by us. So all you gotta do is go with the flow anâ€™ do everything we tell you to doâ€¦
Tony: â€¦and the Kyoto Agreement and the International Criminal Courtâ€¦
(On the wall a portrait of Henry, a former Secretary of State and suspected war criminal, falls to the floor with a crash. The portrait begins to speak.)
Henry: George, mâ€™boy, donâ€™t ever sign up for the I.C.C. agreement â€“ especially not retroactively. I got shit on you anâ€™ every U.S. president goinâ€™ all the way back to Eisenhowerâ€¦ (The portrait bursts into flame.)
George: â€¦anâ€™ soon thereâ€™ll be theme parks right across the globe, from the Golden Gate Bridge to Timbuktu. Thereâ€™ll be an Afghan theme park, an African theme park, a Central European theme park, an Iraqi theme park â€“ hell, we already got a British theme park â€“ then itâ€™ll be safe for American investors anâ€™ American tourists anâ€™ American Values. In fact, the whole worldâ€™ll look a little like America, with just a bit of local colour thrown in to keep life interestinâ€™â€¦
Don: Anâ€™ whatâ€™s the alternative? If we donâ€™t move soon, the A-rabs are gonna pull the plug on the oil, anâ€™ the western economiesâ€™ll fall through the floor. You gotta see things clearly, Tone, itâ€™s a case of them or us. Cherri ainâ€™t gonna take kindly to wearinâ€™ the veilâ€¦
Tony: Hmmm â€“ when you put it like thatâ€¦
Dick: The genieâ€™s outta the bottle now, so we may as well take all we can get before the whole shebang goes up in smoke. Here â€“ have a cigar.
George: And a cowboy hat, too â€“ in memory of this great occasionâ€¦
Tony: Oh, gosh, thanksâ€¦
Connie: Come on Tony, wear it!
Crispin (aside): I donâ€™t know if you should, sir, it could be interpreted by the press in a rather unfavourable light. A little like taking the Kingâ€™s coinâ€¦ or maybe supping with the Devilâ€¦
Don: Come on Tony, wear it!
Dick: Yeah, come on Tony, wear it!
George: Wear the fuckinâ€™ hat Tony, wear the fuckinâ€™ hat!
Tony: Oh well, if you insist. I do feel a little foolish, thoughâ€¦
(As the lights dim, George and Tony and Dick and Don join hands and exit stage left to the tune of â€śIâ€™m just a lonesome cowboyâ€ťâ€¦)
(The above work is fictional, and any resemblance between the characters and personâ€™s living or dead is purely coincidental.)