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GEORGE AND TONY AND DICK AND DON - A 21st CENTURY MORALITY PLAY
by Phil Shoenfelt, 2002
Main characters:

George – president of the most powerful nation on earth

Tony – prime minister of an ex-imperial power

Dick – George’s second-in-command

Don – George’s defence minister

Supporting cast:

Connie – George’s female admirer

Henry – a former statesman and war criminal

Crispin Vain – Tony’s spin doctor

Saddam – the Devil

Special guest appearance:

Osama bin Laden – the ghost of Christmas past

***

The scene: Camp David, the Laurel Lodge. Out of the window George and Tony can be seen stepping out of a golf cart and chatting together as they walk across a well-tended lawn. George has his arm draped lazily over Tony’s shoulder. The door to the room opens and they enter…

George: Yeah, so like I was saying, we sent Powell off to the Johannesburg summit – the poor bastard woulda got lynched down in Crawford anyhow. If there’s one thing worse than a whining liberal, it’s a whining nigger liberal, an’ he was gettin’ on everyone’s nerves with his bullshit about U.N. inspections an’ regional repercussions…

Tony (giggling a little nervously and smiling boyishly): Yes, Yes, I know what you mean. We’ve been having rather a lot of whingeing ourselves lately. Up in Bradford… you know, in the north of England… the race riots last year… Those muslim boys can be so naughty! But the Home Secretary’s got the matter in hand now.

Don: In my book, the only good muslim’s a dead muslim…

George: Tony – Don. Don – Tony.

Dick: So Tony – are you with us or against us? You’re either a part of the solution or a part of the problem… What d’ya think of Ashcroft’s Patriot Act?

George: Dick, Dick, let the guy sit down an’ catch his breath at least… (Aside): Shut up, you asshole, he’s the only ally we’ve got… (To Tony): Of course you’re with us, aren’t you Tony?

Tony: Well, er, as I told my constituents last week, it’s really not on to let you chaps fight global terrorism alone now, is it?

Don: That’s right, Tony, you tell ’em…

George: Y’know, Tony, I have a dream. I’m gonna make the world a safer place, a place where American values are loved and respected by everyone everywhere. I feel like it’s my mission in life, my God-appointed mission, to be honest. Afghanistan’ll be as safe as Kansas in a coupla years, an’ once we get rid of Saddam an’ his W.M.D.s (The lights darken and there is a whiff of sulphur, brimstone and mustard gas) Iraq is gonna be like East Texas – rigs an’ donkeys everywhere, with American technology an’ American know-how developin’ the region’s resources for the benefit of the whole world…(The lights come up again).

Dick and Don (together, drooling): Did someone mention oil? (they burst into song and do a soft shoe shuffle routine):

Middle East oil makes the world go around
The world go around, the world go around
Middle East oil makes the world go around
We’re gonna get our share…

George: Shucks, those guys. Doncha just love ’em?

Tony: Mmm, they are rather cute… But listen, shouldn’t we be discussing the reasons why invading Iraq is a moral imperative and is absolutely essential if Christian values are to prevail? That’s not to say I’m against Islam and I’m sure all moderate muslims would agree that the Koran never mentions suicide bombers, biological weapons or even the stoning to death of adulterous women. Cherri and I read it together on our hols in Italy last summer, and we both agreed that it’s a rather splendid book…

Dick (whipping out a 357 Magnum): Holy shit, we gotta mole in our midst! Get outta the fuckin’ way, George, let me get a clear shot at the bastard!

George: Easy, Dick, easy – just relax now an’ put the gun away. (To Tony): Sorry about that, Tone, Dick’s bin under a lotta stress lately with all these accounting fraud allegations an’ he’s a little nervy right now…

Tony (cringing): Oh, that’s alright, I understand. The last thing I want to do is upset you or the government of your great and powerful nation…

Connie (aside): Jeez, what a wimp!

George: Anyhow, like I was sayin’, I gotta dream. I also got an idea for a doctrine. I mean, Monroe had a doctrine, Harry Truman had one, even fuckin’ Reagan had an “ism”… If I can take out Saddam an’ get me a doctrine at the same time, I’ll be the Bush that’ll go down in the history books. Hell, Daddy never had a doctrine named after him, an’ everybody knows he fucked up when he coulda whipped Saddam’s ass an’ wiped Baghdad off the map. If I can get me a doctrine, no-one’ll ever call me “Junior” again…

Connie (aside): Oh, for Chrissake…

George: I’m a patient man, but in this case I see the need for a pre-emptive strike. An’ when I say pre-emptive strike I mean pre-emptive, an’ not just one but a whole mess of ’em. Not just in Iraq, either, but anywhere in the world that doesn’t agree with American Values an’ the American Way. After Iraq’s sorted out we can step sideways into Iran an’ make the whole region secure for the oil pipelines from Central Asia…

Dick and Don (singing together, drooling):

Middle East oil makes the world go around
The world go around, the world go around
Middle East oil makes the world go around
We’re gonna get our share…

George: …an’ make sure that the Ruskies don’t step in an’ undercut our prices. And the Saudi regime is looking a little shaky too, we might have to set up a Protectorate there before the Fundamentalists take over an’ rip up the OPEC price agreements. By that time Arafat’ll be outta the picture an’ we can lean on the Palestinians to accept a super-deluxe unified refugee camp in a corner of the Strip the kikes ain’t interested in – kinda like a huge Miami condo, only with fifty foot high walls around it for the sand-niggers’ own protection – an’ once that’s all sorted out we can begin to focus on Europe an’ Japan. This big deal they’re makin’ over steel f’rinstance – they wanna fuckin’ trade war, or what? An’ that asshole Schroeder refusin’ to join the alliance…

Tony: Er, what alliance?

George: … that’s all the fuckin’ thanks we get for the goddamn Marshall Plan… Anyhow, I decided to call my doctrine “Predemption” – The Bush Doctrine of Pre-emptive Strikes, plus a little bit of redemption afterwards for the feel-good factor. Kinda catchy dontcha think, Tone? I stole the idea from Sharon, but I thought of the name myself…

Tony: Oh yes, I think it’s a wonderful name for a doctrine, I really do…

Connie (aside): Jesus, what an asshole!

Tony: But the thing is, I feel compelled to raise the matter of Saddam’s weapons of mass destruction. That is to say, I’m sure he has them – well, who doesn’t? – but does he have the means to deliver them? You see, I’ve got to present this dossier of secret information to the Labour Party sooner or later, or they’ll be up in arms. They’re already getting itsy, and according to the U.N. inspectors and our own chaps Saddam’s missiles have a maximum range of only 800 kilometres – that’s if they even make it out of the silos…

Don: What the hell does that matter? He has them, doesn’t he, and that’s good enough for me.

Connie: You’re not backing out are you Tony?

Tony: Er, of course not – Her Majesty’s Government is the United States’ staunchest ally…

George: You’re our only ally, Tony…

Dick: We got us a Special Relationship, hur hur hur

(A rumbling from below. The lights flicker. A whiff of sulphur, brimstone and mustard gas. Thunder and lightning. A trapdoor opens. Saddam appears, bare-chested with a huge moustache, biting the heads off new-born babies and throwing the carcasses to the floor.)

Saddam: Let the devils come from the four corners of the earth. My people love me, I will never be defeated…

(George, Don, Dick and Connie chase Saddam around the room, while Tony and Crispin stare on aghast. Saddam manages to evade them and disappears through the trapdoor. The lights come up again.)

George: You see the kinda guy we’re dealin’ with, Tone? He always was excessive, even when he was workin’ for the Company…

Connie: He used chemical weapons on his own people…

Don: He drinks human blood for breakfast…

Dick: He wasted all that oil in Kuwait…

George: …which is why we can’t let him get away with thumbing his nose at us any longer. Listen, I just had a great idea. We’ll slip the U.N. a poison chalice, give Saddam a time frame to comply with a new Security Council Resolution, or else… Then when he ignores it, or refuses admission to the sites, we can kill two birds with one stone – sideline the U.N., invade Iraq, an’ still come outta the deal lookin’ like honest citizens. I’ve bin waiting for a chance to get Annan over a barrel for a long time now…

Crispin: Well, that’s one way of getting around the problem. I think we could sell this idea to the party without too much trouble, Tony.

Tony: Mmm – it certainly seems much more moral this way…

Connie: Morality, schmorality…

George: Thataboy, Tony, I knew you’d see it our way…

(Osama bin Laden appears in one corner of the room, bound in chains and with one arm missing. He levitates and glides around the room like a wraith.)

Osama: You will never escape the terror we have unleashed. We are everywhere and nowhere. We will haunt your dreams and poison your drinking water. Our operatives are amongst you, waiting… Long live the Jihad! Death to the crusaders! (He melts into the air).

Dick: What the fuck was that?!

George: Don’t worry about him – the guy’s a has-been. Tomorrow belongs to me…

Tony: And if I might, finally, just raise a few minor issues to round off the meeting – like ecology and global warming, G.M. foods, third world poverty… not to mention A.I.D.S., sanitation, bio-diversity, genetic engineering…

George: Tony, Tony – don’t worry, leave it all to us…

Dick: Listen, Tone – by the time Australia’s under water we’ll all be dead an’ gone. The thing is, strike while the iron’s hot – we all gotta make a dollar…

George: …and another fundamental tenet of The Bush Doctrine of Predemption is that history has already been written – by us. So all you gotta do is go with the flow an’ do everything we tell you to do…

Tony: …and the Kyoto Agreement and the International Criminal Court…

(On the wall a portrait of Henry, a former Secretary of State and suspected war criminal, falls to the floor with a crash. The portrait begins to speak.)

Henry: George, m’boy, don’t ever sign up for the I.C.C. agreement – especially not retroactively. I got shit on you an’ every U.S. president goin’ all the way back to Eisenhower… (The portrait bursts into flame.)

George: …an’ soon there’ll be theme parks right across the globe, from the Golden Gate Bridge to Timbuktu. There’ll be an Afghan theme park, an African theme park, a Central European theme park, an Iraqi theme park – hell, we already got a British theme park – then it’ll be safe for American investors an’ American tourists an’ American Values. In fact, the whole world’ll look a little like America, with just a bit of local colour thrown in to keep life interestin’…

Don: An’ what’s the alternative? If we don’t move soon, the A-rabs are gonna pull the plug on the oil, an’ the western economies’ll fall through the floor. You gotta see things clearly, Tone, it’s a case of them or us. Cherri ain’t gonna take kindly to wearin’ the veil…

Tony: Hmmm – when you put it like that…

Dick: The genie’s outta the bottle now, so we may as well take all we can get before the whole shebang goes up in smoke. Here – have a cigar.

George: And a cowboy hat, too – in memory of this great occasion…

Tony: Oh, gosh, thanks…

Connie: Come on Tony, wear it!

Crispin (aside): I don’t know if you should, sir, it could be interpreted by the press in a rather unfavourable light. A little like taking the King’s coin… or maybe supping with the Devil…

Don: Come on Tony, wear it!

Dick: Yeah, come on Tony, wear it!

George: Wear the fuckin’ hat Tony, wear the fuckin’ hat!

Tony: Oh well, if you insist. I do feel a little foolish, though…

(As the lights dim, George and Tony and Dick and Don join hands and exit stage left to the tune of “I’m just a lonesome cowboy”…)

 

The End

(The above work is fictional, and any resemblance between the characters and person’s living or dead is purely coincidental.)

 


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